IT'S OKAY TO BE HAPPY WITH A SIMPLE LIFE

This past Sunday at my church, the message was about limitations. Being a perfectionist, this is not my favorite topic, but we all have limitations and things that are just not meant for us, for whatever reason.

But this is hard, right? Us twenty-somethings were raised with a "you can do anything you want to do, and be anyone you want to be!" philosophy. And while that was meant to be a great thing, the implication is that literally every choice is available...and if we're being honest, that's just not true! 

In high school, I went to gymnastics lessons for two years straight and I was still never able to do a simple back handspring. My chances of being an Olympic gymnast...pretty much zero. Some things just aren't meant to be. And actually, knowing that and coming to terms with it takes a lot of the pressure off!

But to me, the main problem with this "you can do anything!" mindset, combined with social media, is that it makes everyone feel like they're supposed to do something EPIC. Because if you can do literally anything that you want to do, why wouldn't you choose the super rich and famous route?

I think that this way of thinking can lead otherwise happy people into thinking that they're not good enough. Or rich enough. Or famous enough. Or..."epic" enough.

I think that if you find something difficult that you love to do, and that also fits in with your real passions and values, then by all means work your butt off and go get it! You really might "make it big" - the sky is the limit! But if what you love is organic farming, raising a family, nursing, teaching, doing people's accounting (hard for me to imagine but I'm sure that these people exist!), or something that doesn't include a lot of recognition or money, that's okay too! Don't let society's way of thinking interfere with the real things in your life that you love.

I've written recently about my career and how I dabbled in acting a bit. It might be hard to understand how anyone would stop focusing on a career as exciting as acting (even though lots of people who were much, much more successful at it than me have quit!), for something boring like writing and running a shop in my house all day by myself. But if I'm being honest, I am so much happier and at peace with my life. I am a homebody and a control freak. Running an at-home business is the perfect route for me. :)

The take-away? Be true to yourself, and know that 

it's okay to be happy with a simple life.

{a print inspired by this post is now available in the shop, if you would like to add this reminder to your home!} http://charmandgumption.com/products/simple-life-print-choose-your-color

I'LL BE HAPPY WHEN...

Do you ever find yourself "some-day-ing" your life away?

When you're in high school, you're looking forward to college. When you're in college, you're looking forward to starting your career. Once you start your career, you look forward to buying a house, then getting a promotion, then having a baby, then having a second baby, then renovating your kitchen, it goes on and on and on...

I know I have been guilty of this so many times. It's human nature to look ahead, and planning is a great skill to have, but it becomes a problem when you realize that you're wishing your life away, never living in the moment.

I think that one of the most important things we can do in life is to find joy in the everyday. Right here. Right now. Today.

I say "joy" rather than "happiness" because I think that it represents more of a way of looking at life, rather than a fleeting emotion. Living a joyful life is a choice.

That means whatever situation you're in, take a look at it, and find joy in it. I know that it can be really hard. Maybe you're working at a job you hate, or you're not happy with your body at the moment, or you're living in a less-than-ideal apartment. It's really tempting to just ignore the present, and focus on the dream-land fantasy of how amazing life will be when you finally have that "thing", whatever that thing is for you. But I promise you, once you have it, you will set your sights on something else. That's the way it works.

My personal trick to be at peace with the way my life is right now? I practice having an attitude of gratitude. Being  a Christian, all it takes is a simple prayer thanking God for everything that I have to make me realize how blessed I am and how amazing and beautiful this imperfect life of mine is.

Try it - pray, or make a list in your head (or on paper) of what you're thankful for every day. Or at least when you're feeling anxious about your current situation. I promise, it works. xo!

DESIGN A LIFE YOU LOVE

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I want to take Charm & Gumption, and how I want my career to look, long-term.

I started thinking about this word "passion". It's something that we're told we're supposed to seek and find and do in order to be happy, and the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that we maybe have been misled about its meaning.

Is your "passion" just another word for something that you love to do? By those standards, I discovered early on that I had a passion for performing. I also have a passion for good design. I am pretty darn passionate about the truffle fries at Burger Up. I am passionate about my dog and my husband. I really love shopping - does that make it my passion?

I think that you can be passionate about a lot of things, and the commonly-given advice to "find your passion" is misleading. I think we need to start thinking less about our action-based passions and more about our life's passion, which is typically more of a strong value in our lives.

For most of my life, I thought that I was meant to be an actress (as embarrassing as that is to type in this blog post) because acting scared and excited me in a strange way that nothing else did. It gave me butterflies and I loved it. I have sort of been pursuing it "on the side" for quite a few years now.

But I realized over time that in order to really pursue it, I would have to either move or be willing to travel constantly, work 12 hour days on set, hundreds of miles away from my husband and family, postpone having children until I got to a certain "level" where I felt I could take some time off (what / when would this be exactly?), and most likely have to partake in romantic scenes with dudes who are not my husband. The life of a working actor is not glamourous, by any means, and only about .000001% of actors are "famous" or "invited-to-the-Oscars" actors. Most are just normal people who work regularly on TV shows, commercials, etc.

It didn't feel right, but it was my "passion"....wasn't it?

See how following an action-based passion can sometimes lead you astray? If your action-based passion doesn't match up with your life's values, then it's not your real passion. Let me give you an example...

If you have the action-based passion: of "cooking", your real passion may be for
"sharing the knowledge of the health benefits of organic, locally sourced food with others"
or it might be
"teaching people the simplicity and power of a home-cooked meal and eating at the table with your family"
or maybe
"creating a delicious masterpiece out of everyday foods with simple tools".

See how the cores of those three passions are different? Just pursuing cooking rather than the core of why you are drawn to cooking may lead you into a life that you aren't happy with.

So what the heck is the point?

I finally narrowed down that my passion isn't "acting" or "freelance graphic design" or even "entrepreneurship". My passion, and the core of what connected those actions, was the fact that they were all career paths that required taking chances, not settling for the status quo, choosing your own path.

That's what I love. I love people who don't do what other people want them to do, just because of social pressure. I love people who choose a scarier path in order to be true to themselves.

That might be the musician living in a studio apartment whose parents wanted him to be a doctor, the CEO who quit her stressful job to pursue teaching yoga full-time, or the 28 year old who was climbing up the corporate ladder when she realized that she wanted to devote her time to being a stay-at-home mom and raising a family. It isn't limited to one specific career or life path.

It's about designing a life you love.

All this to say: that's the direction that you will see Charm & Gumption going. I have a lot of new things planned for this blog and the site, including a new design and some new product offerings (more on that later). You can expect more posts dedicated to helping you design a life you love, and less beauty and fashion related topics...because I love beauty and fashion, but they're not my real passion.

Let me know what you think in the comments, and thanks for reading this super long post! Also, my goal for those of you reading is to start thinking about your real passion vs things that you enjoy doing. Is there an overlap that you could take advantage of in your career? xo!

5 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PERFECTIONISM (BEING A PERFECTIONIST REALLY SUCKS)

You know in high school / college when you take those interview prep classes and they tell you that when you're asked the question "What is your biggest weakness?" that you should turn it into a positive by saying something along the lines of "I'm a perfectionist and sometimes I can be too picky with co-workers...blah blah blah"?

They say that because people throw the word "perfectionist" around so much that we have really lost sight of its true meaning and we take it to mean that you have high standards, an excellent work ethic, and will work really hard to achieve perfection.

That's not really what it means to be a perfectionist.

A true perfectionist will tell you that it is an absolute curse. Being a true perfectionist, I will tell you that it is the thing that probably holds me back the most in life. 

I think that the most successful people in life are most likely not perfectionists, and here's why...

*We put things off and procrastinate big time because the thought of starting something is very overwhelming, knowing that we will want to do it perfectly.

*We are "all or nothing" in everything that we do and find a life of moderation nearly impossible.

*Making a simple mistake or being only average at something is seen as a complete failure in our minds.

*We don't bounce back quickly from failures.

As an example, I once saw an episode of Oprah back in the day about perfectionists and they showed a woman whose home was a complete disaster (think "Hoarders" status) because she had let it get to the point where it was so far gone that she felt like there was no hope of getting it perfect so she just went the complete opposite direction. THAT is a true perfectionist. It's not a good thing!

Can any of you relate to this? I struggle every single day with my perfectionism (which you now know is not a humblebrag), so I thought I would share some tips that I've come up with for fighting it because I'm pretty sure there is no cure:

1. TRY to practice moderation. It's a real struggle for me to be moderate about anything, whether it be working out, eating healthy, cleaning the house, etc. It's like I have a switch in my mind and if I'm "on" with working out, then I'm really into it to a point that it's almost too extreme, but if it's "off" I just make it the last priority until it gets so out of control that I hate myself (haha...but seriously). I've really been trying over the last year or so to remind myself to be moderate. The next time you start a new fitness routine, for example, remind yourself that you want these habits to last for the rest of your life not just a few weeks, and try to scale back your intensity so that you don't burn out.

2. Be your own friend. By that I mean, ask yourself what you would say to a friend in your situation. I tend to be much harder on myself than others and sometimes it helps me to think about what I would say to a friend of mine who was going through whatever "end-of-the-world" event I'm dealing with.

3. Focus on the big picture. Getting caught up in details can cause you to give up on something that's actually fine or (worse!) not even start to begin with.

4. Create realistic schedules / goals. This is something that I've been putting into practice lately that has really, really helped me. I used to make gigantic, unrealistic to-do lists every morning and I almost never got everything done. I was setting myself up for failure, so no matter how much I did that day, I felt like it wasn't enough. These days, I've been putting three things on my day's to-do list. Just three. The three most important tasks for the day. Then I have a weekly list where I write everything that I need to do for the week, and I use whatever time is left over during the day to pull from that larger list. I really feel like this has made my mind so much clearer and I feel so much more at peace! Highly recommend.

5. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO PEOPLE! No seriously, stop that now. Don't compare yourself to strangers on the Internet. Don't compare yourself to some gorgeous girl in a magazine. Don't compare your home / wardrobe / family / life / etc to other people if you ever want to be happy. That's just the truth, y'all. This is one thing that I really feel like I've gotten a handle on over the years. Maybe it's just getting older, but I fully recognize now that photos in magazines are photoshopped, celebrities have entire teams of people dedicated to making them look good, and people who seem perfect in other areas of life have most definitely made some type of huge sacrifice to get to that point. If only I could speak to my high school self about this...she was a mess.

DELETING MY EMAIL APP

A few weeks ago, I came upon this blog post by Lara Casey and it really spoke to me. She talks about the importance of setting boundaries for yourself and your time, and the cycle that you can fall into if you don't. I realized I was definitely in that cycle of working inefficiently all the time, rather than working efficiently during the week day and relaxing / spending time with family & friends during the evenings and weekends. 

While I haven't completely made all of the changes she recommends (I still like to post pictures on Instagram over the weekends), the one major change that I made was taking the email app off of my phone. It surprised me how scared I was to do this, but you guys...

this has changed my life.

I was worried that I would miss important things without email, but the truth is that with email on my phone, I was missing everything! Even though a lot of my emails are junk, just hearing that beep go off a million times a day caused this tiny bit of stress that just accumulated. I would check my phone when I was at restaurants with Wes or playing fetch with Chester or trying to design something for the shop. It was just a constant distraction. 

Now, I check my email for the first hour that I'm working in the morning (around 8-9am) and the last hour (around 5-6pm). If I'm waiting for an important email, I may check it from the computer a couple of additional times, but that doesn't cause the same reaction in me as that demanding BEEP on my phone. And clients don't expect instant messages back if you don't set up that expectation. 

Now, when I'm working I'm working. When I'm at the gym, I'm at the gym. When I'm eating dinner with Wes, I'm engaged and focused on the conversation.

I highly recommend taking email off of your phone, even just for one day, and seeing how you react. I bet that, like me, you will feel instantly more relaxed and have an easier time focusing. It's a small change that makes a big difference in your efficiency at work as well as happiness with your family.

PS. 6 Signs your smartphone is stressing you out

LIVING SIMPLY

Last week, I started reading this book called Simplicity Parenting, which might seem strange given that I do not have any children. But I've mentioned before that I enjoy thinking about these things and I also enjoy learning about psychology (I minored in it in college). After reading about the book here, I immediately requested it from my library. 

Basically, this book talks about some really groundbreaking stuff that seems like it should be common sense. It is obviously directed toward parents, but I actually found a lot of the information applicable to adult life as well. 

The author explains that in today's fast-paced world, kids (and adults) have too much stuff and it's making them overwhelmed. He says that most parents should cut their child's number of toys in half, and then in half again and sometimes I think there are a lot of adults that should do the same thing with their own stuff! I know that I am the type of person who can't focus well if my environment is a mess. In college, I always had to clean my room before I could study. Our brains don't function as well if there is a bunch of stuff cluttering up our environment (and therefore our minds). He also did a study which proved that minimizing the amount of toys and just "stuff" in a child's environment can reduce symptoms of ADD or cure it all together. Crazy right? But it makes sense. 

He also explains the types of toys kids should have. Kids need toys, yes, but they need toys that leave room for imagination. I mean, how often do you see kids playing with the big box that a fancy toy came in? That's because the box can be anything they want it to be, while the fancy toy is a set object that can't really become anything else in the child's mind. Kids also need more time outdoors, doing art projects, or playing with their parents and less time on electronics, in front of the TV, or playing with complicated plastic toys that just require pushing a lot of buttons. 

image via con fetti

This book is loaded with lots more information than the little bit that I touched on so I definitely recommend getting this one if you have small children or are just interested in this stuff like me. I actually found it really motivational just in my every day life. Since I started reading it, I have made a real effort to be more in the moment rather than rushing through life and trying to "multi-task" (another effect of having too much stuff) because it makes you so much less productive. I have also gone through my closet and took a load of stuff to Goodwill (something I have always done every so often anyway), which always feels so good!

Has anyone else read this book? What are your thoughts on this idea?

DEALING WITH WORRY

photo credit

I've always been a bit of a worrier. Okay, a big time worrier. Deep down, I always know that everything is going to be okay - my worrying isn't a conscious decision. I just seem to have a nagging, anxious feeling a lot, despite being a fairly positive person. Do any of you feel the same way? 

My greatest worries usually involve the opinions of others, which I hate! Then, the other big worries of mine are usually career focused (Am I making the right decisions? Am I wasting time?) or worries that stem from insecurity, which I think many women deal with (Will my partner get bored with me? Am I pretty enough? ), etc.

a song about worries...even John Mayer gets anxious sometimes!

The best way that I know to deal with worry is to talk about it. Telling someone how I'm feeling and getting their perspective always makes me feel better. Usually, you will be reassured that everything is okay and that in the scheme of things, you've got nothing to worry about at all!

Wes prefers to write down how he is feeling. For him, seeing a list of options for dealing with the situation helps to calm him down.

If you care to share, I'd love to know...

What are your biggest worries, and how do you deal with them?

PS. Some good advice from a fellow blogger & worrier and a test to see if you worry too much,